A recent news article in The Wall Street Journal (linked here) made me realize that the Main Stream Media is always seven years behind the real story.
As I have a seven-degree above Top Secret job in the T.H.U.M.B inverse skyscraper here in Tokyo, I have access to information that is not available to the casual reader. After several glasses of the very finest (cheapest) wine found in Maruetsu petit, I have decided to share my knowledge with you.
As the article mentions, Japanese scientists have been able to create Lab-Made Eggs In Vitro. What the article doesn't mention is that this breakthrough occurred seven years ago. And (no surprise to the cognoscenti) the eggs being fertilized are not leading to mere human embryos, but to Godzilla embryos.Why waste time on human embryos, don't we have enough humans already?
While I can’t say that these embryos have been brought to fruition, I might note that recent revelations about dinosaurs with feathers show that the most attractive mate for an adolescent Godzilla clone would look remarkably like Big Bird.
Poor Fred, he had no idea what he was in for, he really thought it was for an office Halloween party with designated costumes. In any case, we managed to bag several liters of Godzilla sperm for our lab. Fred is out on Workmen’s Compensation for the next seven months. He is healing up nicely and we will welcome him back with open arms. Any rumors that pain-killers were withheld until he signed a non-disclosure agreement are absolute nonsense.
Why did we need a new sample of Godzilla sperm, you might ask? Well, according to our mad scientists, to breed a real Godzilla we will need to iterate the DNA sequences many times to regress the germ line back to the original fire-breathing Godzilla. Luckily for Fred, his close encounter of the fourth kind was with a hybrid Godzilla made from a Komodo dragon and our sample extracted from fossils. The Godzilla Mini-Me was only seven feet tall and his Atomic Breath was barely above the normal rad score at Fukishima.
Our next generation is much larger, and we have hopes that they will be able to consume the waste from Fukishima. In fact, they seem hungry for that type of food. That is the real reason we are working feverishly to complete this project. Any rumors that the Godzilla clones will be housed on the disputed islands between Japan and China are relentlessly disavowed.
Of course, with all of these experiments, we have a lot of failures. The team has had Godzilla eggs for breakfast for the last month. One egg makes an omelet for 47 people. Dr. Seuss would have loved our (gamma irradiated) green eggs and ham.
Oh, and about the recent US President race and the debates; the guy who promised to kill off Big Bird will lose. We will let no one stand in the way of our progress and we need continued access to the only aphrodisiac known for Godzilla.
Remember, you read it here first.
Well, this was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in years. And I do, mind you, live in Ukraine where “hilarious” things happen on daily basis.
Thank you, Author.